| BOBBIT VIRUS: | Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. Unfortunately, the area is permanently disabled. |
| OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: | Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB. |
| AT&T VIRUS: | Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. |
| MCI VIRUS: | Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. |
| PAUL REVERE VIRUS: | This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack--- once if by LAN, twice if by C:\. |
| POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: | Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism." |
| RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: | Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a consultant about possible alternatives. |
| ROSS PEROT VIRUS: | Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits. |
| MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: | It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run. |
| TED TURNER VIRUS: | Colorizes your monochrome monitor. |
| ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: | Terminates your session and then disappears. It'll be back. |
| DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: | Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining a binary network. |
| DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: | Thers sumthin rong wit yur komputer, butt ewe jsut cant figyour it out! |
| GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: | Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. |
| NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: | Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it. |
| FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: | Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer. |
| GALLUP VIRUS: | Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.) |
| TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: | Prints "Oh no you don't!" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort" "Retry" "Fail" message. |
| TEXAS VIRUS: | Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. |
| ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: | Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. |
| CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: | The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem. |
| AIRLINE VIRUS: | You're in Dallas, but your data ends up in Singapore. |
| FREUDIAN VIRUS: | Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. |
| PBS VIRUS: | Your programs stop every few minutes asking for more money. |
| ELVIS VIRUS: | Makes your computer get fat and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across America. |
| OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: | Causes your printer to suddenly become a paper shredder. |
| NIKE VIRUS: | Just does it. |