Humor from Real Life

Actual Newspaper Headlines
Every Sunday the Washington Post runs an amateur humor competition called the Style Invitational ... a new contest is begun and the results from a previous contest are announced.
What follows are the results reported in yesterday's contest ...
The Washington Post -- May 14, 1995, Sunday, Final Edition.
Report from Week 110, in which we asked you to come up with absurd warning labels for common products.
We loved one particular entry for its wonderful idiocy: On a cardboard windshield sun shade -- Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place." We were going to make it a winner, until we discovered that it wasn't made up.
Fourth Runner-Up -- On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water. (Gary Dawson, Arlington)
Third Runner-Up -- On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat lozenges: Not meant as substitute for human companionship. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Second Runner-Up -- On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
First Runner-Up -- On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)
And the winner of the Power Ranger pinata:
On a cup of McDonald's coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin area. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
Honorable Mentions
On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening. (Cissie J. Owen, Leesburg)
On a pack of cigarettes: WARNING -- The Tobacco Institute has determined that smoking just one cigarette greatly increases your risk of heart attack by making you so incredibly sexy that gorgeous members of the opposite sex surround you night and day, begging for intercourse and wearing you into exhaustion, unless, of course, you have another couple of cigarettes to steady your nerves. (Jacob Weinstein, McLean)
On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake. (Jim Gaffney, Manassas)
On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)
On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony. (Judith Daniel, Washington)
On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed. (Peter Fay, Herndon)
On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast augmentation. (Jerry Robin, Gaithersburg)
On Kevorkian's suicide machine: This product uses carbon monoxide, which has been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)
On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for a $2 shipping and a $3 handling charge, for a total of $4.97. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
On Lyndon LaRouche literature: Mr. LaRouche is a serious political figure and not a paranoid lunatic, and should therefore -- Hey, what are you looking at? Quit staring at me. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)
On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)
On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms. (Patrick G. White, Taneytown)
On a calendar: Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No meteorological warranties express or implied. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
On Odor Eaters: Do not eat. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium. (Gary Dawson, Arlington)
On a fax machine: WARNING! Never attempt to directly fax anyone an image of your naked buttocks. Always photocopy your buttocks and fax the photocopy. (John Kammer, Herndon)
On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting. (Paul Styrene, Olney)
On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)
On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive. (David Handelsman, Charlottesville)
On a wet suit: Capacity, 1. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)
And Last:
On The Washington Post: Do not cut up and use for blackmail note. (Joseph Romm, Washington).
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