Poop
In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it
stinks."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of
dung, and we can't live with the smell."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a container
of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of
fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It
contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It
promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "This
new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with
very powerful effects."
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
And this is how shit happens.
This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College.
For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from
Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the
courage.
Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the
courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for
Saturday night.
Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like
Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he
can't make it through twenty minutes without either puking or shitting.
After several hours of this, he is able to stop puking, but he is still
running to the toilet every 20 minutes to shit. He doesn't want to cancel
the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again. So they
meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride).
They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers
to
use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without
interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees. They decide
to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but
doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it.
After
a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored
up. He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table
(discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with
another little surprise. "Oh shit," he thinks (and feels). Instead of
running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms
of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this
yoga
position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do
before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on
the
outside.
He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way,
he is walking like a cowboy. On the way to the train station, they
pass the Gap.
"Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last
week?" he asks.
"No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies.
They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the
right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up. Our hero
grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis.
After
selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings
both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other
side of the
store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't
even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his
date can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just the pants."
"What?" asks the Gap girl.
"Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.)
Gap girl: "Oh, OK."
He pays for the pants and walks over to his date, then they leave the
store.
They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two
seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses
himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the
bathroom as
the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He
rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning
himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater.
****PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU WOULD DO IN THIS
SITUATION.****
As you must have realized, the only solution is to wear the sweater as
pants. So he squeezes his legs into the arms of the sweater and pulls the
rest of the fabric tight around his waist. He can only keep himself
covered by hunching over. Walking will be a new challenge altogether.
Rather than going through the absolute trauma of returning to his seat and
explaining (or creating an elaborate lie to explain) the entire incident,
our hero waits in the bathroom until the train stops at the next station.
He waits until the moment the train starts to pull away from the station,
then dashes out of the bathroom (as quickly as a hunched over cowboy with
sweater pants can dash) and jumps off the train. He is lost and stranded
somewhere between New York City and Westchester.
He hasn't seen the girl since.
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