Microsoft Jokes

For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something from Microsoft shipped on time: Jennifer Katharine Gates, weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces when she was downloaded, er, born on Friday, April 26 at 6:11 p.m.

And what do Baby Gates and Daddy's products have in common?
  1. Neither can stand on its own two feet without a LOT of third party support.
  2. Both barf all over themselves regularly.
  3. Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft Tech Support won't help.
  4. As they mature, we pray that they will be better than that which preceeded them.
  5. At first release they're relatively compact, but they seem to grow and grow and grow with each passing year.
  6. Although announced with great fanfare, pretty much anyone could have produced one.
  7. They arrive in shaky condition with inadequate documentation.
  8. No matter what, it takes several months between the announcement and the actual release.
  9. Bill gets the credit, but someone else did most of the work.
  10. For at least the next year, they'll suck.
WORF:Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead.
PICARD:On screen.
[The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, each only a single pixel wide.]
PICARD:Data, what's wrong here?
DATA:Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video memory to display an image of this size. May I suggest that you select a lower resolution?
PICARD:Make it so.
[The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky square pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which could be Romulan warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in Space Invaders.]
PICARD:Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans.
DATA:Aye, sir.
[Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it over, and places it on the console in front of him. He punches some buttons on the console and sits motionless for several seconds. A flash of light blossoms from one of the Romulan ships on the viewscreen.]
WORF:Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!
PICARD: Shields up!
DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command.
PICARD: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is important! I want those shields up right now.
DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command.
LAFORGE: Allow me, captain. [to Data] Control-alt-delete, Data.
[Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the floor.]
DATA: The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press my nose to cancel and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to close this communications channel which is not responding. You will lose any information sent by the Romulans.
[LaForge pulls Data's left ear.]
PICARD: Shields...
[There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes violently, and all the crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower of sparks erupts from Wesley Crusher's station at the helm, throwing Wesley back away from the console.]
PICARD: Up, Data!
DATA: Aye, sir.
RIKER: All decks, damage report!
WORF: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to be unconscious.
[Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and punches some more buttons. He waits a few seconds, then puts the hourglass back on the floor.]
DATA: Shields are now up, captain.
PICARD: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all phasers on the lead Romulan ship.
WORF: Aye, sir. [He punches buttons on the weapons console.]
PICARD: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action.
DATA: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver installed for that console.
PICARD: Well, damn it, install the right one.
DATA: Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.
PICARD: Number One, where do we keep Data's setup implants?
RIKER: I left them with Geordi.
LAFORGE: [in a surprised voice] What!!? I thought you still had them!
PICARD: Data, don't you have device drivers stored in your internal memory?
DATA: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.
PICARD: Data, I don't have Setup Implant #1.
DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?
PICARD: Abort!
DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?
PICARD: Well, fail, then!
DATA: Current nose is no longer valid.
[Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons. The ship lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift to one side of the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is heard coming from somewhere else in the ship.]
LAFORGE: [alarmed] Data, what the hell are you doing?
PICARD: Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data?
RIKER: Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got put on hold for two hours before I was able to talk to anyone. And that person wasn't knowledgeable about androids of Data's model. She specialized in industrial control robots.
[Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all the usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a halt. After a few seconds, the red emergency lights come on. Data is standing by the console, absolutely motionless.]
PICARD: What's going on?
LAFORGE: [checking the helm console] Lieutenant Data has caused a General Protection Violation in the warp engine core.
PICARD: These androids look really sharp, but you can't really do anything with them.
[The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in full battle dress materialize on the bridge. A seventh figure, a Ferengi, appears moments later.]
FERENGI: [with a mercenary grin] Can I interest you in OS/2, Captain?
Things that would be different if Microsoft started building cars
  1. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after that year - instead of before it.
  2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
  3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this.
  4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart, and you'd have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this, too.
  5. But that wouldn't work, you'd have to take the engine out, do nothing to it, then put it back in.
  6. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a "Car 95" or a "Car NT". But then you'd have to buy more seats.
  7. Sun Motor Systems would make a car that was powered by the sun, twice as reliable, and five times as fast - but it would only run on five percent of the roads.
  8. The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
  9. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for many years.
  10. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas.
  11. The U.S. government would be getting subsidies from an auto maker instead of giving them.
  12. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
  13. The air bag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
  14. The steering wheel would be replaced with a mouse, and you'd need to memorize the keyboard short-cut for "brake".
  15. For some reason the engine controller would need a 1G hard disc and would take 5 minutes to boot up.
  16. They wouldn't build their own engines but form a cartel with their engine supplier. The latest engine would have 16 cylinders, multi-point fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it would be a side-valve design so you could use Model-T Ford parts on it. There would be an "Engium Pro" with bigger turbos, but it would be slower on most existing roads.
  17. Your car would refuse to start with a message "Abort, Retry, Fail?"
  18. You would have to have a full service every 500 miles.
  19. The speedometer would read 70 even though you are only doing 50.
  20. They would make a flashy, convertible model, where, if you raised the top, the engine would overheat.
  21. The entire engine wouldn't be in the bay at once, and the car would have to keep stopping and starting to load in the relevant parts.
  22. Every time you carried a new passenger you would have to alter the car's configuration settings. When the passenger alights, these configurations would remain in place.
  23. The 1997 models are nearly here, or is it the '96 models??
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
Here's the secret code straight from the Microsoft marketing software..

/*********************
Win_95_Market.c
=0D

TOPSECRET!!! SOURCE-CODE!!!! CHECK THIS OUT!!!
=0D

=0D
Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):
=0D

***************************/
=0D

#include <nonsense.h>
#include <lies.h>
#include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include <process.h> /* For the court of law */
=0D
#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version
=0D
void main()
{
if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
{
if (there_are_still_bugs)
market(bugfix);
if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
}
while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
{
make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in =

lie.h */
if (rumours_grow_wilder)
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{
market_time=3Dripe;
say("It will be ready in one month);
order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
vapourware=3DTRUE;
break;
}
}
switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
{
case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
break;
case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
say("Yes it will work");
ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
pretend(there_is_no_problem);
break;
case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
" the 32 bits architecture");
inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
"'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
break;
case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for =

everyone");
register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
when(time_is_ripe)
{
arrest(journalist);
brainwash(journalist);
when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
{
order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
release (journalist);
}
}
break;
}
while (vapourware)
{
introduction_date++; /* Delay */
if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
break;
say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
}
release(beta_version)
while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
{
bills_bank_account +=3D 150*megabucks;
release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
introduce(more_memory_requirements);
if (customers_report_installation_problems)
{
say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
{
ignore(customer);
order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this =

bastard");
}
}
if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
{
divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her);
wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);
marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
if (boobies_start_to_hang)
dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
}
if (there_is_another_company)
{
steal(their_ideas);
accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
buy_out(other_company);
}
}
/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at=
=

=

us
*/
order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
laugh_at(everyone,
for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
}
=

=0D
void bugfix(void)
{
charge (a_lot_of_money)
if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
if (still_complaints)
{
ignore(customer);
register(customer, big_Bill_book);
/* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
}
}
25 Good Things About Windows 95
  1. Pretty sky picture makes you feel nice.
  2. Ensures that Bill Gates is too occupied to run for government office.
  3. Lets people spend money in a meaningless way without getting a hangover.
  4. Gives IS departments something else to deny their users.
  5. Provides a vast amount of work for honest writers.
  6. It's not OS/2.
  7. Mac-like interface.
  8. Comes with its own hardware wizard.
  9. Plug and Play.
  10. Runs on a 386 (that has a Pentium computer on top of it).
  11. Makes DOS look good.
  12. It knows that 16-bit apps are easier to write.
  13. "Win 95" is easier to say than "OS/2 Warp 3.1 Connect."
  14. 1,600 tech-supports are ready to take your call.
  15. Makes work seem preferable to spending 169 minutes on hold.
  16. Loads in only 4MB. (wink)
  17. CD version makes a good frisbee.
  18. Eye-pleasing colors.
  19. Makes running those boring business applications more fun.
  20. Brings a network to its knees.
  21. Makes you wonder what Windows 1 through 94 were like.
  22. Could have been raw sewage, and people would have bought it.
  23. Finally gave IBM a reason to laugh.
  24. Can be uninstalled.
  25. Installing it is optional!
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