In a Class by Itself

• The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
• The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
• Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
• Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
• Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
• In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
• Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
• Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
• In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
• The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
• The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
• The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained."
• During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
• One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
• Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
• George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
• Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
• Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are flaling off the trees.
• Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
• France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.
• The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
• The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
• The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
• { This is a selection from a book called "Then Some Other Things Happened", a collection of short pieces about history written by eigth graders and compiled by Bill Lawrence, a teacher and columnist. }
• The Pilgrams were a bunch of English wonderers who wanted to worship as they wanted to. They excaped the Church of England and came over here because they heard that American churches were different.
• The May Flower was the ship with which they came in. It didn't have a bathroom on board so there was quite an oder. Priscillia Mullins was the captain.
• First the Pilgrams had gone to Holland but left when their children started developing customs there. After a stopover at Williamsbug when a large storm blew them off course they landed on a big, slimey rock in Massatusetts. They spent the winter there.
• Before they got off the ship even they drew up an agreement for the people of Plymouth to agree on the voting for governors and congressmen. They kept this hid in the May Flower Compact. Lord Delaware was elected the first governor of Plymouth Rock.
• A friendly Indian named Rhone Oak showed the Pilgrams how to plant corn by putting it in the ground. Rhone Oak had been the first Indian to come to America and always wanted a beer. He traveled around with Miles Standy and translated language. He knew enough English to interupt.
• Another interupter for the white man was Squanto, who was called that because he was so short. Squanto drew up a declaration to give the settlers freedom of goverment in the new land. The Pilgrams gave the Indians thanks for all this and that's what started Thanksgiving.
• The Pilgrams then appointed Thanksgiving as a national holiday. Abraham Lincoln later pronounced it and gave it to them and it soon became a national holiday all around the world.
• These people always wore old shoes with a big buckel on the top of them The men wore pants that only came a little ways past the knees and the girls wore funny bonets.
• But if these people wouldn't had of come to America the United States wouldn't be like it is today.

• The future of "I give" is "I take."
• The parts of speech are lungs and air.
• The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
• Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
• (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
• The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
• A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.
• Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
• The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 oppossums.
• The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
• We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.
• One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
• A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.
• One by-product of raising cattle is calves.
• To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.
• The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
• The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
• Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.
• The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
• Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.
• The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.
• In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.
• Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
• In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.
• A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.

1. More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
2. You think the stock market has a fence around it.
3. You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
5. Your front porch collapses and kills more than six dogs.
6. You've ever used lard in bed.
7. Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
8. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
9. You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
10. Your home has more miles on it than your car.
11. Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
12. You've ever been arrested for loitering.
13. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
14. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
15. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
16. You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
17. You own a homemade fur coat.
18. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
19. Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
20. You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
21. There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
22. Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
23. There is a wasp nest in your living room.
24. The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
25. You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
26. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
27. You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
28. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
29. Fewer than half of your cars run.
30. You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
31. The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
32. Your car ain't never had a full tank of gas.
33. Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
34. Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
35. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
36. You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
37. Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
38. Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
39. Your momma doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her a--.
40. You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
41. Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
42. You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dawg.
43. You're an expert on worm beds.
44. The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
45. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"
46. Your family tree does not fork.
47. The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
48. You haul more than U-Haul.
49. Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"
50. There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
51. Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
52. Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
53. Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
54. Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
55. The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
56. Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
57. You pick your teeth from a catalog.
58. You've ever financed a tattoo.
59. You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."
60. Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
61. Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
62. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
63. You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
64. The best way to keep things cold is to leave 'em in the shade.
65. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
66. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
67. Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
68. You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
69. You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
70. your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.
71. You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
72. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
73. None of your shirts cover your stomach.
74. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
75. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
76. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
77. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
78. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
79. Birds are attracted to your beard.
80. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
81. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
82. Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
83. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
84. Bikers back down from your momma.
85. You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
86. Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
87. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
88. You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
89. Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
90. You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
91. You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
92. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the h--l are you looking at, Sh-thead?"
93. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
94. You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
95. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
96. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
97. You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
98. You clean your nails with a stick.
99. You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
100. Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
101. People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
102. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
103. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
104. You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
105. You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
106. You've ever been too drunk to fish.
107. You've ever bought a used cap.
108. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
109. You've ever used a weed-eater indoors.
110. Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.
111. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
112. You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
113. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
114. Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.
115. You've ever financed a tattoo.
116. Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six pack.
117. You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
118. You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
119. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
120. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
121. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
122. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
123. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
124. Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.
125. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mud flaps.
126. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
127. You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.
128. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
129. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
130. You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
131. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
132. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
133. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occassions.
134. Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
135. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
136. You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
137. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
138. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
139. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
140. You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
141. You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
142. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
143. You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?)
144. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
145. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
146. The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
147. You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
148. Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
149. Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
150. You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
151. You mow your lawn and find a car.
152. You can spit without opening your mouth.
153. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
154. You go christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
155. You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
156. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
157. You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
158. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
159. You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
160. You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
161. You've never paid for a haircut.
162. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
163. There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
164. You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood".
165. You've ever made change in the offering plate.
166. The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
167. You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
168. You own at least 20 baseball hats.
169. You think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.
170. You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
171. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
172. When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.
173. Your screen door has no screen.
174. Your biggest ambition in live is to "git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."
175. Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
176. Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.
177. When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bueaureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
178. You have a house that's mobile and five cars that aren't.
179. You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
180. Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
181. You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.
182. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
183. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
184. You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.
185. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
186. You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
187. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
188. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
189. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
190. It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
191. You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
192. You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
193. Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
194. The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
195. Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire . . . on her house
196. The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
197. You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
198. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
199. You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.
200. Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
201. You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
202. You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.
203. When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
204. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
205. Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
206. Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
207. You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
208. You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
209. You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
210. Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)
211. The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it).
212. You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
213. You've ever hit a deer with your car . . . deliberately.
214. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
215. Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
216. Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
217. Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
218. Your classes at school were canceled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
219. During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
220. You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
221. On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
222. Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
223. You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
224. In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
225. Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
226. You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."
227. You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
228. You bring your dog to work with you.
229. Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.
230. You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.
231. You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.
232. Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth
3. Job interfering with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes.
6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
9. Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
10. "Norm!" is what they say when you enter the bar.
11. When you can focus better with one eye closed
12. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
13. Every woman you see has an exact twin.
14. You wake up to find Windows 95 installed on your machine.
15. If you keep asking your wife "where are the kids?", but you don't really have a wife and you're talking to the refridgerator.
16. You fall off the floor.
17. You discover in the morning liquid cleaning supplies have disappeared.
18. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
19. Had "Spuds McKenzie" tattoo removed, replaced it with "Red Dog."
20. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
21. Beer: it's not just for breakfast anymore.
22. The glass keeps missing your mouth.
23. Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
24. When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof?
25. Vampires get woozy after bitting you.
26. The only drinking problem is not having a drink right now.
27. At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
28. Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer.
29. When vomiting becomes a relief.
30. Having a hard time staying on the side walk - left, right, stumble, fall
31. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom.
32. Barney, that dinosaur is damned funny!
33. You think, Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.
34. Every night you're beginning to find your roomate's cat more attractive.
35. Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol.
36. Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs.
37. No ocifer, I'm not drunk... you're just sober...
38. Problem? I Drink, I get Drunk, I Fall down....No Problem
39. If on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories.
40. Take me drunk, I'm home!
41. The bottle's empty...that's the problem!
42. Find yourself as the captain for the Exxon Valdez.
43. You wake up naked lying in the corner of a bus depot.
44. Roseanne looks good.
45. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of bottle.
46. You drink to get over a hangover.
47. That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
48. You are the proud owner of a porcelain bus driver's liscense.
49. The Whisky Ain't Working Anymore.
50. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
51. You have a reserved parking space at the A&P.
52. I'm as jober as a sudge!
53. You consider yourself a workaholic, becuase every time you go to work, you want to have a beer!
54. I slept with that damned pink elephant again.
55. Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you.
56. Newt Gingrich.... he's soooo sexy.
57. You find yourself in a room on a train arriving in Tiajuana and the last thing you remember is being in a bar in NYC!
58. Your name is Ted Kennedy.
59. You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party in Waikiki.
60. Red dog upside down looks like batman eating a catwoman.
61. You've fallen and you can't/(don't want to) get up.
62. You don't drink. (That's a problem!)
63. when hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle.
64. BeerTender! Get me another Bar!
65. Boris Yeltsin tries to get you to join AA.
66. The shrubbery's drunk from frequent watering.
67. Do you take this woman.....
68. You wake up too groggy to come up with anything funny for this damn list.
69. You realize you have shaved your head except for a little rat tail hanging from the top and you're pestering people to buy incense & crap.
70. Your only friends are Jack, Johnnie, and Jose.
71. Double vision so much the norm, you can't function w/o it.
72. You listen to the radio and start dancing to Hootie and the Blowfish.
73. Because you're not as think you are drunk I am...
74. salt, sugar, grease, carbohydrates - yes, alcohol is the fifth food group.
75. Your favorite drink is ethanol.
76. Why does everybody think I have a prinking droblem?!
77. You can't remember what your family looks like... or if you have a family.
78. You wake up surrounded by 50 dented cases of SPAM.
79. You like SPAM.
80. You get defensive when someone asks if you have drinking problem.
81. Haven't stopped drinking since Carter got elected.
82. I don't have a drinking prob..pleb..prub.. Pash me another, tarbender.
83. You spend a whole night holding up walls to prevent their (your) collapse.

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage".
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog".
15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training".
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person".
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidently" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.