Dirty Jokes

December 16, 1996

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out; he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, go, and return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"

"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

It seems when Apollo Mission Astronaut, Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks - usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Before he reentered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut, however, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian nor American space programs.

Over the years many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. A few months ago, (Jul 05, Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. He finally responded.

It seems that Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr and Mrs. Gorksy. As he leaned down to pick it up, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Oral sex, oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

BEST PICKUP LINES

I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
OR:
I want to call your mother and thank her.
Is your daddy a thief? ["No."] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy answer in case they say "yes."]
You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.
Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want?
Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?
That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.
My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream.
My name's [your name], but you can call me "lover."
Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?
Can I flirt with you?
Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.
[Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, "What are you doing?":] Checking to see if you were made in heaven.
OR:
Checking to see if you're the right size.
All those curves, and me with no brakes.
If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Fuck me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?
I like every bone in your body, especially mine.
[Grab his/her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken?
Is it hot in here or is it just you?
Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?
Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
So... How am I doin'?
How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes?
[Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg.
The first time is always the hardest.
Excuse me, are you on the pill?
Hi there. Do you swallow?
Wow! Are those real?
Hey babe, wanna make an easy fifty bucks?
Nice dress/pants, can I talk you out of it?
Wanna fuck like bunnies?
Bond. James Bond.
Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist.
Wanna play carnival? That's where you sit on my face and I try to guess your weight.
Sex is a killer...want to die happy?
I looked up the word "beautiful" in the thesaurus today, and your name was included.
I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me?
So, do you wanna see something really swell?
I had sex with someone last night. Was that you?
Do you take it up the ass?
Is that a tic-tac in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
Have you got a little Irish/German/Spanish/Italian/etc in you?
Uh...no....
Well, do you want some?
What would you do if I kissed you right now?
Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masturbate and I was wondering if you'd mind if I fantasize about you?
Hi, do you know why you should masturbate with *these* two fingers? (holding up any two)
Obvious reply: No, why?
Because they're mine.
I'm drunk.
Miss, if you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?
I think we must make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW!
You know, I'd really love to fuck your brains out, but it appears someone beat me to it.
Ever tried those weird prickly condoms?
Hey, somebody farted. Let's get out of here.
You've got the whitest teeth I've ever come across.
Do you sleep on your stomach?
No.
Can I?
Pardon me, but what pickup line works best with you?
Pull my finger.
Hey baby, let's go back to my place and get something straight between us.
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
Do you wanna go out for a pizza and a fuck?
What, don't you like pizza?
Your left leg is Thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas.
Can I come between the holidays?
(Use index finger to call someone over then say) I made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand.
Your underwear must be made out of Windex, because I can see myself in them tonight.
They say love is a many splendored thing. Let's make some and find out...
Hi. I go down on the first date...how about you?
Hi, what's a girl like you doing in a nice place like this?
To a woman: Hey baby, can i tickle your belly from the inside?
Do you like apples? [Yes] How 'bout I take ya home and fuck the shit out of ya, how'd ya like dem apples?
Excuse me. Do you wanna fuck or should I apologize?
Hi! Can I buy you a car?
Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?
I'll suck you so hard that you'll have to pick the sheets out of your ass when I'm finished.
Will you marry me and have my children? (unfortunate side-effects: beware!)
Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.
I want to thank you for [insert any event here], grab your ankles bitch!
Ya know, if we cut your arms off, you'd look just like Venus de Milo.
Hey, baby, wanna lock crotches and swap gravy?
Hey let's play house, you be the door and I'll slam you.
You know, your eyes would go great with my bedspread
Are you looking for Mr Right? Or Mr RightNow?
Would you like fries with that?
Chicks dig me, I wear colored underwear!
If I bought you lingerie for my birthday, would there be anything in it for me?
Hi, I'm conducting a feel test of how many women have pierced nipples.
Excuse me, why is your drink glowing?
If you were a tear in my eye, I would not cry for fear of losing you.
Are you religious? Good, because I'm the answer to your prayers.
Hi, the voices in my head told me to come and talk to you.
I lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?
How did you acheive such a gaudy effect with only Avon cosmetics?
Do you beleive in one night stands?
With one touch I can make you make noise only dogs can hear!
Hello Susie, your mummy couldn't make it this afternoon. She asked me to pick you up and take you home. My that's a pretty dress...
I'm leaving this place - want to Cum?
Free mammograms, get your free mammograms here! Get them while they're hot!
Do you have a boyfriend? Well, when you want a manfriend, come and talk to me!
Is it cold outside, or are you just smuggling tic-tacs?
Ever played leap frog naked?
I'll bet you ten bucks I could get all your clothes off in 30 seconds.
Sit on my face and let me get to nose you better!
Take an icecube to the bar, smash it and say: "Now that I've broken the ice, will you sleep with me?"
I'm single!
I think I'm falling in love with you. Now do you want to fuck?
I'm really sorry about Al. It was a lovely funeral. You look ravishing in black, did you know that? What you need now is a nice back rub. Are the straps too tight darling? How very, very tragic.
What winks and fucks like a tiger? (said while winking)
Yo. You'll do.
Excuse me, I think I dropped my congressional medal of honor under your chair.
You know what they say about beauty...it protects against all evil.
Well, with you I feel really safe!
Excuse me, this is the non-smoking section and you happen to be on fire!
I don't want to be alone when I go to bed tonight, but I do when I wake up
Are those moon pants you have on? [No, why?] Because your ass is out of this world.
Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.
I was sitting here holding my cigarette when I realized I'd rather be holding you.
I feel like Richard Gere, standing here next to you, the Pretty Woman.
You're ugly, but you interest me.
I didn't know angels flew so low.

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals - unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.

One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.

He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?"

The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight"

The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my grandaughter"

The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tommorrow morning."

The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst chinese torture tests ever known to man."

"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?

Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the grandaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many,many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.

That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."

Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest".

"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle".

The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost".

CONFUCIUS SAY:

Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets tit bit.
Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.
Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.
Passionate kiss like spider web--lead to undoing of fly.
Man with holes in pockets, feels cocky all day.
Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
Virginity like balloon--one prick, all gone.
Girl who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
He who farts in church, sits in own pew.
Baseball all wrong--man with four balls can't walk.
Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
Man with penis in peanut butter jar is fucking nuts.
Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.
Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
When lady say no, she mean maybe,
When lady say maybe, she mean yes,
When lady say yes--she no lady!

Q: What does marriage and a tornado have in common?
A: In the beginning there is a lot of suck'en and a blow'en and in the end you always lose your house.

ALLEGEDLY TRUE STORY
A friend of a guy in the Nutrition School at Tufts was one of the lucky passengers onboard a Northwest Airlines flight to Boston during hurricane "Bob". The captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm, but it was a pretty rough ride just the same - rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good use. When the turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain's voice came on over the intercom. "Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it? But we came through it fine, just the way we always do, and I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston." After a short pause and several clicks "Jesus Christ - whatta bitchin' ride? Boy - I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job, right about now." As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called after her, "Don't forget the coffee?!"

Joe was moderately successful in the career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches. . ."

"The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see . . .size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job."

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure . . ." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see. . .34 sleeve and . . . 6 and a half neck"

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure . . ." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see. . .9 and a half... wide."

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure ... "

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see. . .7 5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?!" "It's my job."

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure . . " The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off.

Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."

The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the ass.

Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."

The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

What if condoms had corporate sponsors?

Nike Condoms:	Just do it.
Toyota Condoms:	Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms:	You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms:	Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms:	The freshmaker.
Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack:	Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms:	Strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condoms:	It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Ford Condoms:	The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms:	Like a Rock.
Dial Condoms:	Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms:	Cause hey -- you never know.
California Lotto Condoms:	Who's next?
Avis Condoms:	Trying harder than ever.
EverReady Condoms:	Keeps going and going ...
KFC Condoms:	Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms:	Always the Real Thing.
Lays Condoms:	Betcha can't have just one.
Campbell's Soup Condoms:	Mm, mm good.
Nature Valley:	The Candy Bar Nature Intended.
Absolut Condoms:	ABSOLUT BONER.
Pontiac Condoms:	We build excitement.
Microsoft Condoms:	Where do you want to go today?
Arch Deluxe Condoms:	The condom with the grown up taste.
M&M's:	Melts in your mouth not in your hands.
VW:	Drivers wanted.
GE:	We bring good things to life.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No. What did that stupid shit do this time?", says the patron. "Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole", says the bartender. "Yeah, well I hope it kills the little fucker because he's been driving me nuts", says the patron. The guy finishes his drink and leaves.

Two weeks later he comes back in with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a grape on the bar. He grabs the grape, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks. "What now?", responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a grape up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it", says the barkeeper. "Well, what did you expect?", replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

A guy goes to the doctor because he is impotent. The doctor performs some tests and recommends an experimental procedure whereby they insert muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant into the man's member. The man is at first taken aback by this recommendation, but figures he would rather try it than be celebate for his remaining life. He has the surgery.

A few weeks later he goes on a date with a beautiful young woman. They are at fancy restaurant and she looks terrific in the soft candle light. He begins to get an erection. It is giant and he can't contain it. Then all of sudden - the man's massive cock bursts through his pants, reaches onto the table grabs a dinner roll and disappears back into his pants. The girl is really confused, but kinda turned on by this. She says to him "Wow! That was amazing! Can you do it again??" The man thinks to himself: "Yeah, I probably could, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass!"

After a hard day at the office, three guys decide to go out for a cocktail to wind down. The bar becomes very crowded, a few drinks turns into many and soon everyone is tanked. All three lose track of each other and end up going home seperately.

The next day at the office, the three gather by the watercooler to discuss the past evenings events. The first guy says, "I got so drunk last night that I went home and blew chunks."

The second guy pipes in, "That's nothing. I got so drunk that I got in my car and drove it right into a telephone pole. Totaled it. I didn't get hurt but now I have no car."

The third guy says, "Well, I got so drunk that when I got home, I cussed my girlfriend out and knocked over a candle which lit the apartment on fire. She dumped me, all my belongings are destroyed and the home insurance won't cover the damage."

The first guy motions the two to come closer and whispers, "I'm not sure you understand.... Chunks is my dog."

A Preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told there were fortunes in Race horses, he decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.
However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise the donkey came in third. The next day the racing sheets carried the headlines,
"Preacher's Ass shows"
The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again and this time he won! The papers said,
"Preacher's Ass out in Front"
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The newspaper printed this headline,
"Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass"
This was just too much for the Bishop and he ordered the Preacher to get rid of the animal. The Preacher decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The headlines the next day read,
"Nun has the Best Ass in Town"
The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for $10.00. The paper states,
"Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks"
They buried the Bishop the next day.

Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it." And with that he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"

The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to fuck the cat."

A successful businessman flew to Las Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number and his address but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a line of cabs, but the old cabbie who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow-job on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove past the line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.

Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test. The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man's penis.

In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate.
*Ting-a-ling*
"Oh, Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness." The candidate leaves.

The dancer continues, dancing around the second candidate, slowly peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops:
*Ting-a-ling*
"Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness."

The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final candidate. Nothing. She writhes up and down against his body. No response. Finally, exhausted, she quits.

"Michael, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. "Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the showers."
*Ting-a-ling*

Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked.

Then, one day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad that read: Lose weight, Only $1.00 a pound, Call (202) 555-0238

The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"

The man responded, "Ten pounds."

The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."

About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me."

Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, "Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!

That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"--to which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied, "Twenty pounds."

"Very well," the voice on the phone told him, "Give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."

At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me." The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, "Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!

"This is fantastic!" he thought to himself. Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" "Fifty pounds!" the man exclaimed. "Fifty pounds?" the voice asked, "That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one time." The man replied, "Listen buddy, here's my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning!" and he hung up the phone. About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative.

At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating,
"IF I CATCH YOU, I'M GOING TO SCREW YOU."

October 28, 1996

Two golfers are just starting the 13th hole when the first golfer notices that in his partner's golf bag is a high-powered rifle. Curiosity takes over and he questions his partner. His partner tells him that he is a hitman.

So the first golfer says "Do you see that window in that apartment across the course? My wife is in that apartment with another guy. I want you to shoot them both."

The hitman tells the golfer "Each bullet will cost you $5000."

The golfer thinks that $5000 times 2 is a bit steep but the hitman says, "I have been doing this for 25 years and have not missed a shot yet", and even suggests that he can shoot them in any part of the body that the golfer wants.

The golfer is impressed and says, "Well, okay. I want you to shoot my wife in her big mouth and the guy in the crotch."

The hitman pulls out his rifle, loads, and starts to aim. But for some reason he is moving his aim back and forth.

The golfer asks what the hitman is doing.

The hitman then says, "Just hold on a second, I think I can save you $5000 dollars."

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

A young man wished to buy a pair of gloves for his sweetheart for Valentine's Day. So, he went to an expensive boutique, bought the finest gloves available and asked the saleswoman to have them delivered with a note. While wrapping the gloves, the clerk accidentally mixed up the order and sent a pair of panties instead. Here is the note the young man wrote to his sweetheart.

Darling.

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but because your sister wears the short ones that are so easy to remove, I decided to get the same style for you.

Although these are a delicate shade, the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for three weeks, and they had hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on for me and she really looked smart.

I wish I could be there to put them on for you for the first time. No doubt, many other hands will touch them before I see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. And be sure to keep them on while cleaning them so they won't shrink.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year! I hope you like them and will wear them for me Friday night.

All my love,

Brock

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said to come back in a week and he'd see if he could come up with something.

A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening.

How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"

"Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the greatful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected." After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.

"Sir Galahad", exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"

But Sir Galahad was speechless.....

This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh...well...ah...well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

And the boy says, "That won't work!"

His mom says, "Why???"

And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

Subject:	Definition of politics
Son:	"Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"
Father:	"Sure son. What's the question?"
Son:	"What is politics?"
Father:	"Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me `Capitalism'. Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her `Government'. We take care of your needs, so we'll call you `The People'. We'll call the maid `The Working Class', and your baby brother we can call `The Future.' Do you understand, Son?"
Son:	"I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it".

That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father. "Dad, now I think I understand what politics is".

Father:	"Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"
Son:	"Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the future is full of shit".

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

In the days when you couldn't count on a public facility to have indoor plumbing, an English woman was planning a trip to Germany. She was registered to stay in a small guest house owned by the local schoolmaster. She was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC. In England, a bathroom is commonly called a WC which stands for water closet. She wrote the schoolmaster inquiring into the location of the nearest WC. The school master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a "Wayside Chapel" near the house. . . a bathroom never entered their minds. So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam,

I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house. It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays. As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.

It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC as it was there that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly.

You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time! I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere. The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters. We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all since many feel it is long needed.

I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.

With deepest regards,

The Schoolmaster

Johnny and Suzy are discussing how to be more like big kids. They decide to start swearing, since all the older kids do this. Johnny decides to use "damn" and Suzy decides to use "ass" to show how mature they are.

They both go down to breakfast and their mother asks Johnny what he wants for breakfast. "I'll have some of those damn Cheerios" he replies. His mother gasps and Johnny's father leaps up, grabs Johnny and drags him into the bathroom where he starts washing Johnny's mouth out with soap.

Suzy watches the whole scene very closely. When her mother asks her what she wants for breakfast, she replies "I don't know, but you can bet your sweet ass it won't be Cheerios!"

The Sneezing Man A man and a woman are sitting next to each other in an airplane. All of a sudden, the man sneezes powerfully. He takes out his handkerchief, opens his zipper, takes out his willy and after having carefully wiped it, puts it back in and closes his zipper. The woman is shocked- but she thinks it wiser to not say anything about it.

Then there is a second sneeze, as loud as the first one. And the same routine:
zipper open, willy out, wiping, willy in, and zipper closed. That nearly makes the woman sick but she just tries to ignore the whole thing.

After the third sneeze (and the routine) she cannot help but ask,
"Excuse me, sir, but you have now sneezed three times. And after each time you > have taken out your penis and wiped it. May I inquire why?"

"Oh- you see Ma'am, every time I sneeze I have an orgasm."

"But that's awful! Do you take anything for it?"

"Pepper," answers the man.

Nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
"Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."

The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."

Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.

"Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.
"Well, your excellency," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her butt in it!"

Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he does...

Wellhung:	Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart:	I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung:	I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.
Sweetheart:	I want you.Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung:	OK
Sweetheart:	We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung:	I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart:	I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung:	Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart:	I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung:	I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart:	I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung:	My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse.I'm sorry.
Sweetheart:	That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung:	I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart:	Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung:	I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart:	I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung:	How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart:	I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung:	I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart:	I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
Wellhung:	I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart:	What?
Wellhung:	I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart:	I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung:	I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart:	OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung:	I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart:	I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung:	I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart:	What's the matter?
Wellhung:	I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart:	Are you OK?
Wellhung:	I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart:	Can I help?
Wellhung:	I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart:	In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung:	I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart:	Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung:	I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart:	I'm on the bed arching for you.
Wellhung:	I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?
Sweetheart:	Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung:	I found it.
Sweetheart:	I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung:	Me too.
Sweetheart:	Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung:	Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart:	Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung:	OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart:	I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung:	I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart:	Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung:	I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart:	I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung:	I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart:	What's the matter now?
Wellhung:	I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart:	Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung:	OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.
Sweetheart:	Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung:	I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart:	I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung:	I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart:	What?
Wellhung:	I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart:	I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung:	I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart:	No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung:	No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart:	I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung:	I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart:	Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung:	Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Sweetheart:	(logged off)

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of story and then conclude the moral of that story ...

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story ... Suzy replies, "don't keep all your eggs in one basket"

Next is little Lucy ... "well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched" ... teacher asks for the moral of the story .... Lucy replies "don't count your eggs before they're hatched"

Last is little Billy ... "my uncle Ted fought in the war, his plane was shot down over enemy territory" ... "he jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands"

Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story ... Billy replies, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking"

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